Bike Rack FAIL: The Throat Choke Torture Rack

The Jaws of Death isn’t the only old-school torture rack in my ‘hood. At the beautifully bucolic Gamble Garden in Palo Alto, next to the delightfully shady picnic area and between the espalier apple orchard and the sapling hut the kids love to play inside, there it is: the Throat Choke Torture Rack. It looks sinister, doesn’t it?

The Gamble Garden in the only place I’ve seen this particular model, although Richard of Cyclelicious has seen them in action in the Santa Cruz area and found it alive and well for sale on the internet. Cities, if you’re tempted to buy this model, don’t. It doesn’t fit large tube bikes and terrorizes ones that have the misfortune of fitting.

Like the Jaws of Death, we never locked up to the Throat Choke as intended. It seemed too cruel to subject beloved bikes to such cruel treatment. Once again, Zella takes one for the team and submits to the torture.

The first rule of design: If you have to provide instructions for people to use it correctly, you’ve failed.

I felt guilty putting Zella’s down tube in that rusty slot on the left.

And then sliding the latch right over her throat. So old and rusty, I was lucky to get it open it again.

Woe to bikes with bottle cages or accessories on the down tube!

Throw the latch shut and on goes the padlock. No wheel cables anymore.

Poor Zella was barely able to balance on her kickstand. Pure torture!

How would you compare this rack to the Jaws of Death? Which torture would you prefer for your bike?

Location: Elizabeth Gamble Garden Picnic Area, Palo Alto, California, USA.